Farm life.

•September 26, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Fall season once again.

The farm is still filled with wilted emotions and root crops of laziness for sustainance. No new inspirational seeds are coming out of the market. Poultry and the rest of the barn crew quitted on supplying golden eggs and necessity milks and feel wools. Townsfolk are strangers than strangers and care is non-existent to my farm who contribute to them not. Winter is coming, I am aging, my thoughts are drying and my love is dying.

Looks like I’ll be sitting in my rocking chair, facing this black and white idiot box pretend, staying in the farmhouse of your bathroom voice and long distance presence that even if that hurricane of frowns migrates here, I know I’m safe and sound.

Ideal.

•August 1, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I want an overly attached girl.

I want someone who calls or text me as if we’re not together the whole day. If she can’t contact me, she’ll exhaust all means just to hear my voice but gets mad after. She would sound joyful and ecstatic on the other line even I sound so tired she won’t mind. She’ll keep herself entertained with a lame me but eventually I’m gonna get influenced by her joy. If I sound occupied, she’ll distract me. Her restrictions are exaggerated like I shall never talk to girls cuz I end up flirting with them somehow and they will hope. She will boast stories about me to her friends, however embarassing it is. All my flaws she will love, all my positives she will hide and deny because she thinks, even I don’t, that I am smart, or somehow got looks, or my voice is charming because she thinks she might lose me because of those. She will love me at my worst, she will love me at my worse best and she doesn’t care about my feelings at all and that’s why I love her the same way.

When we’re together, all things, even when done again and again, however boring, we’ll never get tired of each other and with all of it. She’ll make the day like we’re the only one in the world. She wouldn’t mind anyone, wouldn’t care about anyone, wouldn’t even notice anyone cuz… eyes on me. She will take me to places I haven’t been before. She will research about it for weeks on how to get there and on the day, I’ll just end up doing the guide cuz she doesn’t have a sense of direction. She’ll hold my hand if I don’t. She’ll grab my arm and cling on to it like a koala or better, put it on her waist and swoon. I then will pinch her waist and then she’ll react violently cute. If we’re going to eat, she’ll drag me to places she feels like, regardless of what my decision is and then eventually I’ll enjoy it. She’ll make me eat disgusting things she love that I hate but I will still eat anyway. She can speak nonstop in a whole overnight, retelling about experiences. She will stay up until I end up falling asleep or she needs something to do for tomorrow. She will get sad and never let go of my hand when we’re to separate way. She will kiss me on the lips, run but will then look back, smiling as she leaves.

She will support and spoil me. She reads my entire blog and checks it everyday or as many as she can and sometimes demands some, or even all of the upcoming blog posts be her. She’ll lay out funds for my gaming addiction when I can’t support us both or when I’m broke because she is too, a gamer. And even if she doesn’t like a game, she’ll adapt to it, just to beat the crap out of me or just to play the game with me. She will spoil me in whatever I wanted to buy and even I don’t want to buy. I will refuse and she will just smile and offer it again. In sickness, she will take care of me and never leave my side. She will do the things I needed to do apart from doing what she needed to do. If she’s sick, she’s not gonna let me leave until she gets well. And if I don’t know that she is, she will hide and fake her sickness just to show that she’s okay and just to be normal and cheery when with me.

When we argue or a disagreement occurs, she means everything she says except the bad things when she’s mad. She will always be open and honest with me at all times. She will forgive me for whatever I did wrong, whether it’s just her assumptions but will throw bad blood on me later on. And when she said those things, she regret it afterwards, apologizes and run back to me like a child, pleading like she did wrong to me even though sometimes I am to blame. I don’t care if she’s impatient. She never will say giving up and letting me go or regretting anything in loving me. She will give up everything I tell her to, whether friends I don’t feel like or things that bother me. She waits not even a day for our argument to not be resolved. If I don’t approach her, she will, pleadingly. When we’re good, she or I will suddenly hit each other with anything we can pick up, blabbering our faults and then we’ll hug each other and laugh afterwards.

We will then talk about our future and of how many of this and how many of that. She’ll support me in many ways than one, whether I will fail in life or succeed. And if I fail and get poor as fuck, she will be there, supporting us while I, be the effin house husband cuz that’s what she likes. If I succeed, she will still make me a house husband cuz she doesn’t want any officemates of mine to flirt with me or what.

I want someone who will hug and kiss me anytime and anywhere she feels like, even when I push or stop her from doing it. I want someone who’ll never stop loving me and only me, never let me go and will never get tired of how shit I am or I will become. She will love me for who I am and for who I am not and she will not demand anything but be loved back and yes I will, with all my faulty heart.

I m…

Feel check.

•July 24, 2014 • Leave a Comment

The feeling…

…of not being needed.
…of overdemanding attention from someone and not getting it.
…of doing everything and feeling not appreciated after it.
…of trying to fix things and end up messing it up more.
…of having to fake smiles because you don’t want to look too helpless
…of trying to restrain yourself from things that would hurt you more but you still do them anyway
…of doubting your self-worth
…of not being necessarily sad, just empty
…of not really knowing what the fuck you’re actually feeling.
…of needing help but no one to run to.
…of trying to look tough but realizing no mask could hide how vulnerable and fragile you really are.
…of ending up hating yourself because you have no idea how to solve your own fucking problems.
…of giving your all to someone who, you know, won’t even fight for you.
…of not being understood.
…of understanding another instead but being pushed away.
…of exerting effort and shrugging it off in one go.
…of someone giving up on you in a heartbeat.
…of not wanting to feel everything at all.

That’s what. Toodles.

Transient success.

•July 3, 2014 • Leave a Comment

I thought the hug I did to her was the start of everything being okay. I thought the tears she shed and how I comfort her will be the end of all conflicts. I thought.

A flick of instance we were back arguing again. It’s not gonna be over. It’ll never be over.

The ominous cloud followed me to work. My bag got ruptured from the front, the jeepney I rode to exceeded the stop cuz I was wearing earphones, and I failed my CI. Yes, my running to becoming regular is done. I expected it too much and there, I got it. Experience gained so I got no regrets except the fact that I’ll be leaving everyone and that moment everyone shooked your hand and an individual hugged you, it’s a not-so-welcoming feeling.

I stepped out of the premises with a neutral feeling. I should be slowly crying or some sort but I wasn’t. And it was raining, as if the sky sympathizes me. And so I, removed my glasses, faced it and smiled while I feel its tears and said: “Sky, that’s life”.

To end, I’ll never forget the law of attraction my colleague tina shared. It’s probably the only reason why I finished this entry without burden.

To my next…

Ps. I should stop expecting anything from you. This is probably one of the change. You made me sometimes feel I don’t exist, as if you don’t care at all.

2 days.

•May 24, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Tibsy. Tita. Tina. Two days. And oh, Jopay. Lol.

I’ve gone away from home to spend and guard her during her family’s extra outing and I’m actually both surprised and thankful I am that accepted and trusted. Anyhow, it was a routine of Bomberman, singing, eating, sleeping, Resident Evil, sharing whatnots, Tibsy and kitten-calling, circling around the house, hitting each other, staring blankly at each other, *insert imaginative things here* at each other and oh, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy~ A routine I don’t feel like ending that moment and in those days I am there.

One regret in my stay: I sneakily checked stuffs of her then stumbled on a special one and read it. Double damn wrong damn move. It deeply impacted me as I navigate the pages I picked that my eyes got affected by the heat. I know I’m still this shallow but now I know the feeling when the former gets frustrated and jealous whenever I write something about my former than the former: It hurts. Bad. So bad. I never should have read her work. My fault. How can I forget such?

And so the days ended and so is being together physically. If only I can stay longer. If only I can hold her more. If homesickness exists in me, now I know why I’m not homesick: because I felt home being with her.

I miss her badly.

Toodles.

Appendicitis

•April 20, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Dear her appendix,

First of all, I hate you. I hate you for being the being to do this. Of all the goddamn people who deserves this it really has to be what’s mine. I hate you so damn much I could keep you in a jar with water and display on my cabinet where i’ll drown you forever in your own extraction. Too bad making you a trophy, a weird pet and a collection will not gonna happen because you’ve been disposed off, I believe. Lucky you, regretful me.

You gave her suffering, you gave me helplessness. As I see her curl up and cry on my shoulder and I hugging tighter, you’re there laughing your body off inside her. You did not consider how much we’re both hurting, much more her. You inconsiderate son of a bitch. But you did not stop there. You made your presence known by worsening and making her family’s expenses worse too. You just had to erupt and make her close to angels and away from everyone who cares about her and me. You even did that when I was already away. You really got your best way of making me fall down emotionally. Oh you should be grateful I didn’t meet you face to appendix else you’ll wear the suffering.

Regardless, I gotta thank you. Thank you for making me realize how much more she’s important to me. Thank you for making me feel helpless once again. Thanks for making me ride an ambulance the first time even though no siren to be heard. Thanks for making me thought I’ll be losing someone again when I just did. And last, thank you for saving her and not taking her away from me… Oh wait. You don’t have control over that… So FU.

Sincerely yours,
Ned

The last sweetest thing of an X, a B and an R.

•April 10, 2014 • Leave a Comment

“It’s his hair and his eyes today that just simply takes me away. And the feeling that I’m falling further in love makes me shiver so i tried to get away.

All these times that i sat and stared as he carefully combs through his hair and he purses his lips back and looks at me in’d eye and i’ll walk back to hug him and nothng to say.

Cause i love him with all dat i am, and my voice shakes along with my hands. Cuz he’s all that i see and he’s all that i need and i’m out of my mind once again.

It’s a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me. As my world spins around him. He laughs, close my eyes and i’d feel like i’m falling but it’s no surprise cuz i love him with all dat i am. And my voices shakes along wit my hands. Cuz its frightening to be swimming on d same sea but i’d rather be here than on land. Yes, he’s all that i see and he’s all that i need and i’m out of my mind once again.”