how emotive. how pathetic me.

Sometimes they wouldn’t understand what we really feel. they look at us like we take things serious no. they think we take things like a joke. then they look at us like we were walls unbreakable. we we’re not. we are just merely masquerading our loneliness so that we can be able to let them and made happy, show them happiness, and be able happiness to be shared to them as well.

in the state of depression since sunny side up, time slowly is bleeding today. i was leaving her messages, she won’t respond. My morning, afternoon, mid-evening had gone empty. suddenly, at exactly nine pm, she answered:

“hi sweetie! :)”

a sudden burst of emotion ran through my veins. i began an emotional breakdown in front of Microsoft Word. i cried unhesitant, said to her that i did, unhesitant. i don’t know why i can even formulate a post this time, press the keyboard keys while tears run off my face but refusing to reply on her text messages. i just can’t help it.

“RESPECT”

it made a hole through my heart yesterday and continued. we we’re arguing about something i keep on insisting. i provoke, she revoke. i demand, she reprimand. i get furious instead. and then it was slapped right through me.

“i don’t know what’s going on your mind right now but how about you? do you trust me and do you respect me?”

and so other lines that for me, is a kryptonite.

i answered it simplified though. we were connected through text messages that time, good thing, so it’ll be unknowing to her that it hit me soo damn hard. hard as of, and until today, at this moment.

reflecting, i was like remembering all things i’ve done. and by motion picking, it’s like i don’t respect her at all. it’s like i can be compared to a pathetic being being around her long before i came into her life – her kumags. it’s just like i’m just after that serious thing. after all, after what i’ve reflected, it’s like i don’t respect her at all. shameful me. pathetic me.

i don’t know if could still face her. i really don’t know. call me emo but i think i am right now. maybe if i die right now, everything will reset.

toodles.

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~ by protagonist on April 14, 2008.

3 Responses to “how emotive. how pathetic me.”

  1. There was this story I wanna share with you:

    I already thought of what this might contain.. A boom: the last time we’ve seen each other, I noticed the damn emotion look on your face before i abode the jeepney ride to junction.. (well.. there was this whatsoever wall that been built up upon us that time). A major topic we both argued. the burger = the serious matter thing.

    Intensity between us gone to its highest while connecting thru text and I did my best as for my might to break the wall before it really gone worse (but the jeepney driver keeps on delaying my change for the payment for my ride and it pissed me off).

    While I cannot control my temper anymore, I decided to respond from one of your message: “Later na lang, mukhang sa away mauuwi toh eh” (it may not be the exact). Calming myself back then. I noticed that I am then that time at somewhere unfamiliar place. Pestilence. My mood really gotten worse instead of being better.

    I decided to stop there and examine the place. Because of the extreme heat of the sun, I didn’t know what exactly I will put myself into. Since I didn’t receive any respond to you back then. A long tiring walk started. To my estimation, it has been a 5 km. mile distance along way till junction.

    Tired and exhausted. I decided to text you right after I arrived home. And you respond not so I decided to just hit the bed.

    At night, we talked it over. We broke the wall (at least the 3/4) But I still did some reflecting after that. And now I knew you did also.. (gaya gaya ka kasi :))

    Monday, awaken by the sickness. I was pre-occupied of what happened. I was anxious and asking myself ‘what-if’s’. Hoping that you can really understand. The truth? I was AFRAID. BECAUSE I JUST DON”T WANNA LOSE YOU.

    Actually, I never intended not to text you the whole day. It’s just like I am not ready to talk. I know you’re really worried that time. (Abiona told me you’re fishing info’s about me just like whether I’m texting her right?). The night was the only time I gathered my courage to finally say “hi” to you.

    And you replied, “Letche! bakit ngaun ka lang nagtext? nakakainis!” Of course, I felt guilty. Hindi mo lang alam nung time na ‘yun sobrang naiinis ako sa sarili ko kasi ang tagal tagal bago ‘ko nakarecover.

    But I do think my silence helped us to get better. Sorry for the disappearance sweetie. Now the whole wall has been destroyed.

    I LOVE YOU SWEETIE. I REALLY DO. ~now we’re going STRONG.. I LOVE IT! ^^

  2. yow…

    previous comment deleted?

    anyway…

    i apologize…

    make it a friday…

  3. hmm..i guess the first comment says it all. 🙂 now I got both sides of the story. 🙂

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