Winter.

•March 5, 2016 • 1 Comment

Sometimes it seems as though you have always lived your life in winter, with all your emotions in deep freeze. Then a little something happens and you will be experiencing the most beautiful cold season you’ll ever know.

That’s exactly how I felt when you came into my life. The moment my eyes met yours from across that crowded anime convention. I discovered again what it feels like to really live and not merely exist. I realized that I am not just a speck of dust on Earth but that the universe was created just for me, that I exist for the mere purpose of meeting you on that windy day from a long time ago. The world belongs to just the two of us, even when we’re accompanied by a friend of mine. Two souls who are finally reunited after centuries of being apart.

I loved you. Maybe more than I will ever love myself. And you loved me too. We were living in a paradise of rainbows, unicorns, and wildflowers. Our love was stronger than any storm. But in its wake also comes destruction. In the process of falling in love, we also destroyed ourselves. But we never knew that until it’s already too late for the two of us, We were already broken. The chasm between the two of us can no longer be bridged, so you decided to let me go.

In the time of my absence that followed, you fell in love with another guy while I spent my nights staring at the stars wishing that you will fall in love with me again. I wished that wishes do come true. Unfortunately, mine did not. I continued loving you from a distance while you hold his hands while walking on every places we might have been. For every loving smile and warm touch you bestow him, I found myself shedding those sad and lonely tears. But I am really happy for you. I am glad that I did not totally destroy you. That you are still brave enough to fall in love again. My only regret is that I am not like you.

I became a different person after we parted. I turned into someone whom I really hate. I lost myself in the process of loving you. I became desperate like I’ve never been desperate before. I killed that sweet and caring guy whom you used to love. I buried him in that attic where he kept all your beautiful memories together. But I know that he is still waiting for you to come back.

I am grieving for him too. So I am sending him this letter to tell him that you are truly happy now. Maybe not with him but with someone as wonderful as he was. To tell him to stop waiting anymore. To tell him that it is time to let you go.

Perhaps he will never be happy again as much as he was with you and his laughter will never will be as vibrant as before, but someday, somehow, the twinkle in his eyes will return and corners of his mouth will slowly curl into a smile. But he will never ever forget that you were the most beautiful winter he ever knew.

He was the man who cried an ocean for you. He was me.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

•February 15, 2016 • Leave a Comment

The signs were subtle and subliminal but today my eyes opened the obvious.

So that’s why it’s Majora’s Mask over Triforce Heroes.
So that’s why I was dreaming of death for a week and I can’t remember what’s going on around it.
So that’s why I watched Ghostbusters II, skipping I
So that’s why I’m getting more gut and guy feels because there is something coming up.

It’s fate sending a message that I am Link, that I found myself in Termina but without the quests and people to help out, that I’m just alone, watching the moon slowly crashing down, with the ocarina of time and only one song on my sheet in hand…

No Song of Double Time to help get over this faster.
No Scarecrow’s Song to call another and help me traverse this impossible.
No Inverted Song of Time thank god I don’t want to slow time even more.
No Song of Soaring to fly me away from all of these.
No New Wave Bossa Nova to help me cross the storm.
No Epona’s Song to call a friend for help.
No Oath to Order to call friends carry this burden.
No Song of Storms to cover my tears and drench my dry emotions.
No Sonata of Awakening to pull me back from this abyss.
No Goron Lullaby to help me put into a deep slumber.
No Elegy of Emptiness to make hollow friends and make me feel I’m not alone.
Most unfortunately, no Song of Healing to mend all these wounds.

This is just the first day and I already suffered Denial, Anger, Bargaining and Depression four times and no, sleep doesn’t help anymore. February 14 is really the end of the world. And as i’m composing this, I can’t help but cry everything out, still hoping I can escape the purgatory tree hole I fell into, crawling my way back to the palace, with her smile and arms wrapping around this battered Hero of None. I don’t want to be a Stalfos and I don’t want the last stage of the Kübler-Ross model to occur.

I’ve met a terrible fate, haven’t I?

Toodles.

2015 + 1

•January 1, 2016 • 2 Comments

Happy new year you. It’s been ten months of you waiting. Guess what? I got something to tell today. Let me tell you what happened, what changed, what doesn’t and what I miss.

2015 is a boring rollercoaster ride. I’ve been into a job (yes, you read it right) where all I do is sit, design and eat to my hearts content. Too bad it doesn’t pay as much as my former but i like it. I’m still into gaming and I’m still good at it, maybe deteriorated a bit. I’m still the skinny Doctor who travels in time and space using my mind as the Tardis. I’m still losing friends and more so, precious ones this year. I’m into raffles and I’ve won a bunch, including this phone am currently using to type this. Pretty neat phone if you ask me… If only you can see it. I’m currently level 33 in Google Play and I pirate apks and movies and series cuz why not. I still watch and indulge series and novelty dramas. Who knew Clara Oswald and Jon Snow would die both? Don’t blame me for spoilers. Hmm… I’m the same lazy me except I earn a bit by not doing so. I learned to be more practical and I learned to endure hardships… Physical ones to be exact. Karma caught up to me and this year has been the worst. So, overall… It’s lame. I thought the simple moments and burst of happiness here and there would save but no. This is me being honest… or this is me talking because I am sad at the moment. I don’t know but that’s what I feel right now.

And oh what I miss? The past years where fireworks are the people that makes my heart go bam. The experiences where even I am alone, I was never… Because they pull me to the abyss I build myself in… Because they know what a person I am. I’m not me anymore. I tried (and still doing so) to be a better person for someone who can’t see right through me. I can’t believe I am still in this state. I don’t know but I hope 2016 will turn a new leaf for us. If not, my essay is pretty much ready.

Let me be brave. Let me face the raven one last time.

Toodles.

Turning 25.

•February 21, 2015 • 1 Comment

“I don’t think I want that.”

This is my approximate thought when I see yet another Facebook acquaintance blow their life savings on the usual material and life-fulfilling investment: a house, a car, a grand business scheme. It’s a consistent, resounding, and distinct murmuring in the back of my mind by the time I’ve reached the climax of every romantic comedy. It’s the only statement running through my head when I see the people around me making decisions that could keep them bound to a single 100-mile radius for the rest of their lives.

This errant thought isn’t exactly the best of friends with my co-existing desire for security and stability in a world where we’re all just a few wrong steps away from having none at all. Sometimes all I want is to curl up in a corner and imagine what life was like just 10 years ago, when my biggest issue was what I was going to play on my Playstation One.

Tomorrow I’ll turn 25. It’s an age that I’ll just take as a normal number. I figured I’d have everything I ever wanted in life by this point, because everything would have gone as planned. I never would have hurt anyone and no one ever would have hurt me; I’d never meet people who led me to question everything I was doing and all the things I wanted. Good and bad behaviors and people would be easy to pinpoint, clear as night and day. There’d be no shades of grey. No, not even in the form of everyone’s hype now because of the damn censor in cinemas.

There would be nothing messy, no one earth-shattering. I would always be completely satisfied.

But I’m learning to accept that it’s true what they say — life is unpredictable, if you’re lazy and full of shit, you wouldn’t get anywhere in life and if you make the wrong decisions, you’ll regret it everyday. It’s what I am now but in my own, though, there’s been a single, reliable constant: I want to travel and time travel. I don’t want to be confined in this life anymore. The only thing I want, to put it simply, is the world.

It’s one of the only activities that keeps me feeling like me aside from the gaming world you’ll always see I am in. While we’re at it, I want to do a job that challenges, rewards, and excites me. Unfortunately, they’re diamonds in minecraft for me. And as romanticized as the concept has become, I’m completely serious when I say that I want fireworks, all the time. Am I really that different from the twenty-something who dreams of a white picket fence?

In the past five years, I’ve lived but never left my grandmother’s house – Same city and same country. It’s just recently that the home of the less clever world I sometimes dwell. Anyhow, I’ve woken up to the coldest and hottest weather in my sofa, sat in a rooftop with bland coffee I made myself, wondering if weed would really be as great as everyone said it was, and wandered the region of Hoenn on my 3ds once again. I think, after all this time, nothing was changed. Where is my Boston?

It doesn’t hurt that the average cost of a home is nearly one point five million pesos, meaning that, if the average international airline ticket was fifty thousand, I could see maybe 150 different places in the world for that price. Do you even know how many hotels that could pay for? Do you know how many trips I could take, and therefore how many kindred spirits I could meet, unique experiences I could have, street stalls I could patronize, waters I could drown in, cities I could explore, trails I could hike, mountains I could climb, dear friends I could make? To me, that’s like joining The Amazing Race backwards, in slow motion and it’s all worth it.

My home, my white picket fence, is with the experience all over the world. It doesn’t have a solid form, no brick and mortar structure. Despite the norm, or whatever seems right to the generation coming into adulthood at the moment, I think we’re a bit different. I think we see the world changing around us and we want to explore, and grow and see it all. If I am able to and if I can, in a heartbeat, wanderlust I will be.

Maybe one day I won’t be satisfied with this way of life, all the time. For my sake, I hope that I should start now because this is getting exhausting. For now, though, I have no qualms with admitting it: I am still stuck with chasing down temporarily high.

Toodles.

Picnic.

•November 13, 2014 • Leave a Comment

probably something similar to hug me i’m sCared 3. nighttime is pErfect since i hate the heat and that my skin might get tanned instantly. i want the mat Laid on the ground to be checkered red. any colored mat I guess. i want a basket beside containing not chickeN but my favorite snacks and niblets: crEam-o vanilla, hello panda, knick knack, iced tea, and a pizza perhaps… with much mushroom, and much cheese thank you Very much. gamEs to pass time such as uno stacko or word guessing are great with matching shouts and random story sharing the whole time. venue could be with A few people or two. a band or a noisy background is fine Too. we wouldn’t mind theiR businesses anyway. rainIng seems to be the perfect conclude to a perfect event. we Can share an umbrella or run for it while laughing as it ends a moment of bliss and accompaniment. Finally, we then wish that the day is longEr and the time is slower.

…then it happened and it was way, way better than i expected.

feel check two.

•October 12, 2014 • Leave a Comment

How long can I keep myself strong for everyone who needs me?

I’m trying to help everyone but it turns out I am needing the help myself. And I can’t even do it my own. And there’s no one else to turn to.

Help…

…Yep, I’m here. I’m here for myself and I will continue what I’m doing so smile.

Aut viam inveniam aut faciam.

…is bliss.

•September 28, 2014 • Leave a Comment

Waking up is as easy as cooking eggs. I started the day by grabbing my laziness and laying it down on the comfy sofa, replacing me. I then checked Facebook for my breakfast served digitally. Not much not much so I grabbed a piece of imagination and started wishful thinking of what the day will spank and serve at me. The sun will smile at me, the air will feel me and the day will deliver me.

The sun did smiled too much, making me perspire as if I have a fever to ditch. The air felt me but I never felt it. The day… Hell yea. Being accompanied by Lauren mi amor Mayberry and Matty mi baby Healy’s voices, here goes:

The interview went great. It’s probably because of the fact that I managed to answer the interviewer in the way that I would talk to anyone – casually and enjoying it. Even brought out my 3ds so cool right? Guess those encouraging text messages worked even though I’m actually laughing at it. Totally sublimial and contagious. Now I wait for the verdict. Positively or negatively, whatever, it was worthwhile.

After which I ecstatically chased the 3ds meet for today. Mini tourney for me and super smash skill showcase. What could be more fun than that right? So I traversed back the momentarily heat route back and arrived unexpectedly just in time even late.

Okay post getting long. Fast forwarding I win the mini tourney flawlessly (BENTE PESOS MEHN) and profoundly showed my smash skills by illegal logging and master sword swinging. I totally miss attending my weekly gaming meets. I should really go back to what I am back then. It was all fun and if not, distracted, before all these came. Should have stayed more. Should have spent time more. Oh well, back to dealing with bullshit.

Ignorance.

 
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