July 24, 2014
…of not being needed.
…of overdemanding attention from someone and not getting it.
…of doing everything and feeling not appreciated after it.
…of trying to fix things and end up messing it up more.
…of having to fake smiles because you don’t want to look too helpless
…of trying to restrain yourself from things that would hurt you more but you still do them anyway
…of doubting your self-worth
…of not being necessarily sad, just empty
…of not really knowing what the fuck you’re actually feeling.
…of needing help but no one to run to.
…of trying to look tough but realizing no mask could hide how vulnerable and fragile you really are.
…of ending up hating yourself because you have no idea how to solve your own fucking problems.
…of giving your all to someone who, you know, won’t even fight for you.
…of not being understood.
…of understanding another instead but being pushed away.
…of exerting effort and shrugging it off in one go.
…of someone giving up on you in a heartbeat.
…of not wanting to feel everything at all.
That’s what. Toodles.
July 3, 2014
I thought the hug I did to her was the start of everything being okay. I thought the tears she shed and how I comfort her will be the end of all conflicts. I thought.
A flick of instance we were back arguing again. It’s not gonna be over. It’ll never be over.
The ominous cloud followed me to work. My bag got ruptured from the front, the jeepney I rode to exceeded the stop cuz I was wearing earphones, and I failed my CI. Yes, my running to becoming regular is done. I expected it too much and there, I got it. Experience gained so I got no regrets except the fact that I’ll be leaving everyone and that moment everyone shooked your hand and an individual hugged you, it’s a not-so-welcoming feeling.
I stepped out of the premises with a neutral feeling. I should be slowly crying or some sort but I wasn’t. And it was raining, as if the sky sympathizes me. And so I, removed my glasses, faced it and smiled while I feel its tears and said: “Sky, that’s life”.
To end, I’ll never forget the law of attraction my colleague tina shared. It’s probably the only reason why I finished this entry without burden.
To my next…
Ps. I should stop expecting anything from you. This is probably one of the change. You made me sometimes feel I don’t exist, as if you don’t care at all.
May 24, 2014
Tibsy. Tita. Tina. Two days. And oh, Jopay. Lol.
I’ve gone away from home to spend and guard her during her family’s extra outing and I’m actually both surprised and thankful I am that accepted and trusted. Anyhow, it was a routine of Bomberman, singing, eating, sleeping, Resident Evil, sharing whatnots, Tibsy and kitten-calling, circling around the house, hitting each other, staring blankly at each other, *insert imaginative things here* at each other and oh, what a wonderful caricature of intimacy~ A routine I don’t feel like ending that moment and in those days I am there.
One regret in my stay: I sneakily checked stuffs of her then stumbled on a special one and read it. Double damn wrong damn move. It deeply impacted me as I navigate the pages I picked that my eyes got affected by the heat. I know I’m still this shallow but now I know the feeling when the former gets frustrated and jealous whenever I write something about my former than the former: It hurts. Bad. So bad. I never should have read her work. My fault. How can I forget such?
And so the days ended and so is being together physically. If only I can stay longer. If only I can hold her more. If homesickness exists in me, now I know why I’m not homesick: because I felt home being with her.
I miss her badly.