diver.

The horizon is fading away. You can’t even depict tomorrow in a sky so blue. I’m unable to even breathe amongst the crowds of frozen people. How long has it been since I dived into this place? Would it be better if I just looked ahead and let my sorrow vent out? But then I couldn’t be very honest… even when I hand everything over to my enemies, I can faintly sense light. I wonder if it will make it all the way down to me?

I want to breathe but I’m having difficulty. Simply looking up into the dark of night, I am a diver struggling with sickness from descent. Even though I’m alive, I need to make sure. So as I aim for the deep seabed, I’ll breathe once again.

When I turned over the map for the inside of my mind last night, it was filled with the knowledge of what I lack, leaving me alone and frightened. Even though I always thought that I was strong, I had always thought that I was stronger than any other person. A swan that had become lost was floating in the starry night sky. As though it were comfort, the rain began to fall. But it appears that we can’t even become that; if a star is a star, then I can only be myself.

I wonder how far I could go?

Carrying a heavy anchor on my back, I utter a tiny little prayer. and just as though it were a sign, the rain began to fall. I want to breathe but I’m having difficulty here. I simply look up into the dark as a diver without a means of surfacing. Even though I’m alive, I need to be perfectly sure. So as I aim for the deep seabed just this one last time, I’ll try my hand at breathing.

If I could come to realize just a fraction of happiness, I would never drown again…

What do you see on your Computer Screen?

Bit by bit my mind and thoughts seemed to lose consciousness as wave after wave of shock flooded and pulsed through my body awaking the beating in my heart like a rattle. The silence was overwhelming accompanied by my silent scream was the most present part of my existence at that moment.

The question I have been wanting for an answer. I am nineteen years old enough not to believe of such but what, I melted, touched the cold tiles of the room. That night turned my adult to childhood, grasping for nothing but stories of fear. It was the peak of the night, the normal time where I pour toil my enjoyment out. The familiar screen I use used to play Ragnarok online with, doodle over painting skills, write articles in, Facebook and forums surfing, all faded over a dark Anime wallpaper I habituate myself with. it was something, someone I never wanted to see myself in my life. It was nothing like horror, scary movies gave me. This time it was real. This time it was on me. The bliss, the light, the creativeness, the occupancy, all turned into fright. I wanted to shout, but my mind was numb, as was my body, and not a single thought seemed to go through me. I run, I ran, I send my body sprawling across the floor.

I lay awake all night on the cold bedroom floor. Both hands clasp, eyes shut, unwanting a presence to open them up. I was afraid to open them otherwise, afraid that I may not be able to say goodbye, afraid I may not make it like those horror movies nights. I certainly didn’t want anyone to see me weeping on the floor. How long I stayed there, I never knew. It could have been an hour, a few hours, several sunlit days, or even all week. Time was not present. I stayed otherwise in anticipation of someone familiar telling me to get up from the peculiar position I confide. My fear now confirmed. I’ll never turn on black wallpapers again.

So let me ask you, what do you see on your dark computer screen?

3:58am.

there’s a need for change. the morning has turned me nocturnal, the internet got me zombified.

in about 2 or a week from now, i’ll be getting back to the endless routine of youngster life and i still feel unsatisfied. actually i don’t feel satisfied with anything right now. i’m currently working on a newspaper as a journalist, i’ve been doing well killing people online, logging on minecraft almost everyday, been catching 1 meal a day and 0 salary pay. and while everyone is hitting the books about the 10 ways to greatness, here i am still thinking what should my post be next. i’m pretty sure that aside from the celestial bodies, time, space, and matter, the big bang also created dreams and aspirations and world changing ideas and wonderful people and that thing called greatness. the thing is, where did my grasp went?

I want to change the world too. I don’t know where to start. rather, lazy to start.