April 10, 2014
“It’s his hair and his eyes today that just simply takes me away. And the feeling that I’m falling further in love makes me shiver so i tried to get away.
All these times that i sat and stared as he carefully combs through his hair and he purses his lips back and looks at me in’d eye and i’ll walk back to hug him and nothng to say.
Cause i love him with all dat i am, and my voice shakes along with my hands. Cuz he’s all that i see and he’s all that i need and i’m out of my mind once again.
It’s a masterful melody when he calls out my name to me. As my world spins around him. He laughs, close my eyes and i’d feel like i’m falling but it’s no surprise cuz i love him with all dat i am. And my voices shakes along wit my hands. Cuz its frightening to be swimming on d same sea but i’d rather be here than on land. Yes, he’s all that i see and he’s all that i need and i’m out of my mind once again.”
April 3, 2014
Hello. You don’t have to say anything. You’re pretty good at it and I thank you for that.
Know what? I just realized again something. I’ve been holding on to something I shouldn’t be holding on to if the feeling it brings is this. Isn’t this again a déjà vu? And with a fleeting life I live now, such feeling should too. They are ALL transients after all. Transients that I shouldn’t be depressing about or lay feelings to. Well, it’s my fault anyway. Me and Josh’s weakness is what brought me here. So yea, I should just go on with it, right? Nothing happened. Smile, as always. Be creepy. Be good at what you do. Be not yourself. Hide it. YES. EFFIN RIGHT. You’ll probably say I don’t need this now and I don’t need this ever and yes, I will believe you. We’ve been dealing with this like forever and it never gets easier. Please tell me to stop now. Please stop me from living in the less clever world. Please stop me from making myself hope. Please tell me no more. I so want this over or starting already. So much realization, still stuck in realization. I need an anchor. Do I got you? Are you saving me? Don’t let me go.
You could have said something though to make me feel better. I hate you.
March 25, 2014
I pushed myself to believe I am. That I can, that I must, that I will. A part of me chose this. A part of me didn’t do anything to prevent it. All along I’m just trying. Actually I’m not. I’m ignoring and fleeting – Fleeting downward spiral.
Then I found light – A light that would guide me not back but beyond. But the light flickers, and so is my hope that I can bring it, or rather it bringing me to something not within the deep slumber of this six feet under. Up to now I hope. Pessimist and self-pitying am, like every other light, will just fade away and leave me in the midst of this self-induced plague. And so, Kyle Patrick’s voice still echoes and it’s killing me.
Then there comes the unexpected inevitable which brought the realization: The realization that I am still closet hiding hurting. Unsought resurfacing, confrontations futile, emotions in turmoil – All my fault and always has been and always will be. In the end, hate and gratitude I sent thee but it’s too late for fixing anything. Now I’m back to Daphne and Derby. I’m back to self-pity and to the closet I am hiding this forever feeling.
I’m not yet ready for The Overture.